Ready for somthing new....

A different ending

I replay that day over and over in my mind. And even though I wasn't physically there I have imagined the way it all happens. And each time I replay it in my mind, I am hoping that the ending be different, just like a movie that you watch for the second time. You know what will happen, but you still think or hope that the ending will turn out to be different.

I still replay it hoping, but knowing all to well what the reality is. I watch my dad struggle to find the answers, but he is left with nothing. And as much as I tell him that there are no answers, we just have to accept, I know he is still searching. He holds himself responsible and wants to know why he failed, but the reality is he can't change the course of fate, of destiny. God had a plan and regardless of how much my dad tried, what was gonna happen, was gonna happen.

Sometimes we spend hours talking, going through every detail and all I can do is try to show him that there are some things that we as simple humans will never know. We can't understand, we are not suppose to. We just have to have trust in God to accept and move on. I see my dad get down and go to his office and I know right away that he is trying to figure it all out. Tonight was one of those nights, so I went downstairs and we sat for a hour or so and we went through it all again. And every time I am hoping he lets go a little more and starts to take the blame off himself. As much as I preach all these things to him and I do very much believe all that I am saying, I too still let my mind wonder to that day and replay everything and hope for a different ending.

missing you...

Tonight everyone got together at one of Hamid's family members house, the past few weekends it seems that we all get together one night at someones house. It's good, it gets everyone out and lifts their spirits to be around each other.

At some point in the evening we were all sitting around the table and Hamid's brother began telling us about his dream and how he saw his brother and they talked. It was a great dream to have and we all began talking about Hamid and they way he was and how he always knew what to do. As we were all talking and listening to stories I noticed my dad had his gaze towards the ground through most of the talks.

On the way home I could tell he was in a mood and asked if he was ok, he said he was just down. Once we got home I went to see if he was ok and his eyes filled with tears and he said, "I miss his so much". I hugged my dad and told him that Hamid is with him, every step of the way, he is here. I guess sometimes even I forget how it must still be so hard for him. I mean, I know it's hard and we talk about it all the time, but my dad does so well on a daily basis that I forget how sad he is. This will creep up on him for weeks to come and I am sure as time goes on he will miss him more and more...this is just the beginning.

With everything in me, I pray for everyone to be ok and that God help everybody through this.

40 Days

ok, I know I asked for winter but I didn't think I would actually get it. I wore my winter coat this weekend...hurray! Now if I can wear my gloves and a few scarves this week, then I'll be ready for warmer days!

On a different note, today was Hamid's 40Th day, which in our culture is practiced. Basically for the first 40 days after someones death most people wear black, they don't shave their beards and this is the morning period. Then on the 40Th day everyone gathers to remember the life that we lost, but it is also the mark for everyone to begin moving forward. From this day everyone should be getting back to life, break the black clothes and try to look ahead even though it is tough. Some people do everything like not shaving their beards but really it is whatever they feel. What most people do practice is the gathering on the 40Th day.

Anyway, today was Hamid's 40Th, which I can't believe. Time has flown by and I don't even know where it has gone. I think one of the hardest things for people that have lost someone close, is that life goes on, people continue, but for those that the loss is deep, life doesn't go on so easily. I say this thinking about Hamid's kids and wife, his siblings and close friends. Yes they will continue but not so easy, not without wishing he was here every second.

Originally we wanted to hold the event today at the park along the river but due to the very cold weather (which apparently I caused) we had everyone over at Hamid and Terri's house. It was nice, emotional at times, but nice. Everything that anyone has ever said about Hamid is always so positive, he was so happy and always joking. Even in his death he has given people so much happiness by remembering him and all his famous sayings. I hope and pray his family can begin to piece back their lives.

Isn't it suppose to be winter!!! I want snow and cold weather, I wanna wear my winter clothes and drink hot chocolate! What the heck is going on earth!

Really?!

I'm sure I've come to sound so repetitive, but I can't seem to shake the shock of our loss. There are days that I just don't think, I turn my mind off and just do what is needed to help and get through the day. But there are other days that I just can't except what has happened. I replay every second of the past few weeks and I can't believe all that has happened. I can't believe he's dead, I think some times I actually believe he is coming back and that keeps me going. What makes is all worse is knowing that if I feel this way, what must his family be feeling. I think about his wife constantly and her loss. I think about his 14 year old son and how close they were, they did so much together on a daily bases. I think about his daughter's and how they have no father to turn to, to hug them, to comfort them.

It feels like yesterday that I saw him. They were just here at our house for dinner...how can this be? What a loss...what a huge loss.

If it weren't for you...

My dad told me tonight, that if it wasn't for me there was no way he could get through all this.

Well Dad, that is how I have felt so many times in my life, if it weren't for you, I would have given up long ago. I am glad to return the favor :)