I have delayed this post for so long and I think it’s because there is so much to say and I am not sure that I want to say some it. It is so hard to start explaining all that I have learned and how I have changed, but I will do my best.
There was one day my cousin Sara and I were driving in Ireland and I remember looking outside at the beautiful scenery and thinking to myself how happy and relaxed I am. I mentioned this to Sara and our discussion began.
I may not always feel stressed or think that I have things on my mind weighing me down, but I guess do. I can’t ever remember being completely relaxed in my life, don’t get me wrong I am sure I was when I was a kid but never from what I remember.
This is what I learned: I realized that at a very young and innocent age something traumatic happened to me and no one taught me how to deal with it, so I did what any 14 year old would do, I held everything in. It is no ones fault that this happened but it is the way things worked out. I was scared to show weakness, I wanted to be strong for my family and I had so many emotions and feelings to know what to do. Holding it in was the easiest and it was what I did. Sure over the course of the following years my emotions came out in other ways, but I never learned how to deal with stress. To this day or the day in the car I should say, I didn’t even realize this. I didn’t know what it meant to be carefree and relaxed.
I know that I hold things in...everyone around me knows. When Gloria has a problem no one hears from her for a few days or weeks until the problem is resolved or I just get over it. I just never realized why I do this or where I learned it. It took me being thousands of miles away, driving in a foreign country with no phone, no Internet and no connection to my life to realize why and to try to begin to change.
Now that is the tricky part, changing. We may all realize our bad qualities but few people try to challenge themselves to fix it. Most people say this is the way I am, I don’t believe that. I may be a certain way, but I believe people can better themselves at any given time in their life.
I don’t think I would have ever gotten to this conclusion if I didn’t take this trip, this is for many reasons. Before I state them, I don’t want anyone (my wonderful friends/family) to feel bad or think into this. I love helping people in anyway that I can and I mostly do so just by listening or giving advise, so I have created a role for myself. In my family I am the glue, I am the first to know all the good or bad news and the first to get everyone’s feelings. I am the one they vent to, the one they cry to, the one they laugh with or the one to try and help. I have the same role with many friends, don’t get me wrong I love it. I love the fact that I can help and it never bothers me, but it has never given me time to just relax. To give you an example, I arrived home on 1-25-11 and on 1-27-11 my neighbor wanted me to talk with her daughter and my father’s friend needs help or advise I should say. And because I care, sometimes I make their problems my own. So how would I ever realize in my daily life that I am never really stress free.
I think this was the first time in years that I had nothing on my mind, not a worry about life, who has what problem or what I need to do. This was the first time that all I had to do was have fun and enjoy my life. It was an amazing feeling!
When I was a kid my doctor would tell me to not take things so hard, he could see that I think way to much! On this trip I went to get acupuncture for my migraines and the guy told me over and over, “You need to relax and let go of your stress”. The funny thing is that 99% of the time I am happy! I never feel stressed and I kept telling the guy that I feel happy and fine. However, on this trip it was the first time that I experienced being truly carefree...now I get it, I feel it and see it.
The acupuncturist asked me “when is the last time you took in a deep breath of air and thought about the air flowing through your body?” My answer was I that I don’t even realize I am breathing; what a shame. I now stop at least 4 or 5 times a day, close my eyes and take in a deep breath of air. I think about it flowing through my body and nourishing me.
I know this was a long explanation but probably the greatest thing that I learned, not only about my life now, but about my past. I think the fact that I am talking about it shows a lot because normally this would never be something that I would put out in the open; it is a sensitive part of my life and a vulnerable part of me. If I didn’t write this then it would be defeating the point of all of this.
I learned that I don’t want more. Not to say I don’t strive to be more or work towards a goal, but I don’t want more things. As I mentioned in an earlier blog I want to simplify. The more we have the more headaches we have, the less we use what we have because we have to much and the more we lose ourselves. When you have to much you can’t focus on the important things in life especially the relationships around you. So I want less.
I have learned that I don’t have anything in common with so many people I hang out with. It has become a social event to go places, be seen, mingle and have conversations that I don’t even care about. There are few people that I really want to spend time with and that I really even connect with.
I learned that as much as I like being alone at times, I hate traveling alone. I always said before that I never minded living alone because it gives me time and I thought this would hold true with traveling. I was very wrong. I love sharing good times with people and having someone to talk with and sight see with. Being alone in a foreign place sucked.
I learned that I know so little. Once I left Georgia and began meeting people there was so much to learn from every person. People are so knowledgeable and willing to share that knowledge. I realized very quickly that I have a lot of room to learn.
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