When will I know it's right?

I find it so interesting when I look back at old pictures, cards or letters and see how much has changed. I refer mostly to old relationships. Today I was cleaning out my desk and I came across a letter I had written my ex but never gave to him. As I read it I was wondering when I ever felt those feelings or what drugs I was on...lol.

Not to say I didn't care or love him but I can't ever imagine feelings those things now and believing the things I wrote. Isn't it funny how you can think you are so in love and then a few years later you don't remember how you could have loved that person? It actually scares me to be honest, I was so sure then but I was so wrong.

When will I ever be able to trust how I feel and know that it is the right decision?

Endings

It never fails, whenever the time comes and I have to say bye to family I always get down. Today all my cousins left to back home and although we had a great time together, it was to short. I don't know what it is, but when our house gets empty I can't even stand to be here. I get so sad and just think of all the good times we had only hours ago.

Two years ago when all my family came for my brother's wedding I knew it would be hard and when they left my mom and I were miserable. She didn't want to be home and neither did I. The two of us just wondered around sad for days. I just hate goodbyes, I hate good times ending and getting back to reality. This feeling will pass but it will take a few days. In the mean time I have to keep myself busy so time will go by faster.

When I was a little I dreaded Sundays. They were actually the funnest days because we would go to the lake every Sunday and picnic with a group of friends. We had so much fun as kids and we all got so excited for Sunday mornings when we meet up at exit 12 and drive together. But I knew what would follow my amazing day, a crapy night. I hated coming home and knowing that my weekend was over. I would cry so many times to my mom saying that I didn't want time to pass. Funny that as a kid I wanted life to slow down.

There was always something depressing to me when things are over, when something you have looked forward to comes and goes. I mean most people probably don't like it but I think I take it harder and I'm not sure why. I begin to think about everything else and it weights me down. Anyway, this time will pass and before I know it there will be something else to be excited for.

When all else fails in life, count on family!

I have been blessed with the most amazing family. What is interesting about us is that our extended family is closer than most immediate families. Yesterday my cousins and their kids arrived in Atlanta to celebrate our Persian New Year and I have to say regardless of what mood I am in I love being with family. We laugh, joke, play games and drink nonstop. And while we are all together we call all the family that isn’t present and talk on the phone from across the world.

To thank God isn’t enough, I means so much for me to be able to spend this time with the people I love, to learn as much as I can, to laugh as much as we can and to make memories that we will always look back on.

Tonight we drank wine, had the music blasting and reminisced about Iran and all our memories. I love hearing my parents and family talk about their childhood and all the stories they have. I forget some times that the Iran I know is worlds apart from the one that they are from. I also forget that at one point all my family that is now all over the world were together in Iran as kids and young adults.

I miss Iran. I miss my family there and all the things that I love. I miss the smell of the city, the taste of the food, I miss seeing my uncle and joking with him. I miss walking to the bakery and eating fresh bread…I miss every detail. If I had the opportunity to go right now I wouldn’t think twice.

It’s so sad to be a world apart from what I love....but that's life!

Quote of the Day:

"There are no good men, and when one finally shows up,

you have wing sauce all over your face!"

Gloria 3-25-11

The Trials of Love

About a week ago my cousin called me with sad news that her and her boyfriend broke-up. It was hard to hear only cause we all had high hopes and were excited about what the future held. We skyped for hours, cried, laughed and talked. I kept telling her life isn't worth being so sad and things could be worse, but the fact is when it comes to matters of the heart there is nothing that can make one feel better.

I have always said that there is no worse feeling than a broken heart. It truly is the worse pain. When you lose someone to death you have to except what has happened and move forward but when you lose love you know that the other person is still there. I wrote once that it's funny the one person you want comfort from is the one that broke your heart.

There is so much to say yet I can't seem to get the right words to express everything. As I listened to my cousin cry I couldn't help but be reminded of a time when I felt that pain. That want of something to be different or to go back in time, the pain of feeling like you weren't enough and wondering why. I promised myself to avoid that at all costs in the future after my last relationship, and well its almost been three years and for the most part I have avoided it.

You get to a point where you feel like, how much more do I have to deal with? Why again? Last year I cried to my mom after another bump in the road and told her, " it's not like I'm looking, I was fine. I was living my life and I was happy. Why then did this person have to come into my life and hurt me again. How much more disappointment can I handle." It had nothing to do with the guy but everything to do with another disappointment and hurt.

But is it realistic for me to avoid this? The thing is that I am terrified to get in another relationship because I don't want to go through the heartache. But maybe my fear is what is hurting me now. I don't want to get hurt and the minute I feel the pain of caring I want to run away. When will I know that I won't get hurt? It's so funny because as parents they are required to tell you that someday you will meet the right guy and if a relationship didn't work out it's because there is someone else out there for you. I don't believe that, I don't know if it's lost hope or being realistic but I don't think there is just one person and that it's a matter of finding them.

I know exactly how my cousin feels right now. She hurts and wants to be wanted, every girl wants to be wanted. We want someone to fight for us, make us feel like we are worth it and that no matter what it takes they will try. It's hard to find someone that's willing to fight for you, someone that's willing to show you and prove that their feelings are true. Feeling it and showing it are worlds apart. So many people don't show their love...what a shame.

I hope my cousins finds an amazing person that is willing to do whatever it takes....why is it so hard for such an amazing girl to meet an amazing guy?

Coffee I'll never forget!

When I was in Sydney my aunts friend came over and read my future with turkish coffee. I had never done this or really heard of it but apparently it's the thing to do. I was very excited only because my cousins fortunes were all right and well I wanted to know what the heck is gonna happen. Funny we are all so obsessed wanting to know what's going to happen and we forget what is happening.

Anyway my aunt's friend kept telling me not to get disappointed if nothing shows up because some times that is the case. I patiently waited and once she flipped over my cup she said nothing. All I kept thinking was "great, everyone got theirs read and mine's a bust". After a few minutes she said, "I am speechless, I have never seen something so good". My eyes just kept getting wider and wider and finally I was asking to know what is so good. In summary she basically told me that whatever it is that I have been praying for I will get. I will not say all the details, some things should be just for me to know and see if they happen but all was great that she said. I got details on most things, love, work, and life.

It was funny because after that I was at ease and I felt like everything is going to be okay. How interesting is that? A cup of coffee was easing my worries. But it was, I now wonder if I have been making some of those things come true or trying to come true? Or if they are happening on their own?

The Aftermath

I have decided after some debate to continue writing my blog. I guess I just got used to it and to be honest it's a great reflection for me on my life. My debate came because there will be lots of intimate or personal things that I will say but I figured what the hell. I take comfort in knowing that everyone thinks this blog is done so I doubt my friends and family will read any of it and in the next few weeks I may change the site to a different one.

Life has been interesting the last two months since I have been home. I have adjusted, of course, and in some ways I have gotten back to the same old routine. I guess that's what is bothering me a bit. What can you do but get in the same life you had, see your old friends, talk to the same people and go out to the same places. I by no means am saying that's bad, it's just what I didn't really want. I wonder if I have lost sight of moving because I am here. I find myself torn sometimes wanting to leave and go anywhere in the world...anywhere but here.

As much as I have gotten back to normal life, other things have become more clear. Work for example, I came home and began looking for jobs actively but it was about 2 weeks later that I felt I should be doing something else. I have decided, with the help of my dad, to start my own business. I just feel like there is something there, something big and if I don't try and take a leap of faith I will always wonder. So even though I am broke, I have deiced to tough it out and put all I can into something I believe but have no solid certainty.

I have good and bad days with this, sometimes I question if what I am doing is going to turn out good but I also think what is the worst thing that can happen, I am already broke and living at home! Which brings me to living at home! What a challenge this it being 29 and living on my own since I was 15. It has nothing to do with my parents, we get along great and they are my 2 greatest friends. It's just a difference of living, I do things one way and my mom another. Plus living alone is very different than living with 2 others, everyone has their own set ways and well it's been a struggle.

I just wish I had more certainty in knowing that what I am doing is right. Staying here in Atlanta, starting my own business, living at home and not getting any income...I am sure we all want certainty.