I arrived, excited and hopeful....I leave wondering why...

Can I learn to be patient or did that trait pass over me??

Yes, it has been way to long since my last entry. What can I say other than the fact that I have let life take over, one of my worst fears. Of course, when I don't write for weeks, I feel as though I am playing catch up with what all I have to write.

In a nutshell, things have been busy, but what's new? I have been busy working, but I think I have actually spent more time over the past few weeks self reflecting and learning things about myself that I didn't know...well maybe I knew, but chose not to face.

I feel as though so many things have come up the last few weeks and not because I have wanted them to, but rather the issues arose and I decided to deal with them. Some are more intimate that I am still not sure I want to write about and others I can write, in order to hold myself accountable.

I have spent lots of time talking with my mom about certain things to do with marriage and relationships only to realize that the things I thought weren't a big deal actually are. I need to face some fears and I guess the more I talk about them the more I will become used to them. These things came up for reasons, but mainly because I am getting older (yes turning 30 next month) and well situations came up that we were able to talk. No details for I am not willing to share every single thing and probably never will.

Other self realizations....I snapped at my dad the other day and it wasn't the day to snap at him because he got pissed and showed me how bad my actions were. I didn't mean to snap or should I say talk with a bit of impatience, but I was tiered and just reacted. I went downstairs to ask him something afterwards and he let me have it with what he thought. I was definitely wrong and I apologized. However, it led us to the next few conversations of my stress and impatience.

As I have written about times before, one of the worst things I do is I let my stress build up until I'm about to pop. The problem is that 99% of the time I don't realize my stress is building until it is far to late. It's not like I am thinking about how stressed I am, but unconsciously I am and therefor it ruins my sleep, eating etc. Eventually I start seeing the results and realized how much I am bothered. In the processes I def get short tempered and impatient, which is not fair the the people around me.

I have always been a rational and logical person so for me to react quickly it is a bit out of my character. Lately, I can't seem to hold anything in, rather I am reacting so quickly and then I realize my actions. Don't get me wrong, I am not doing this to everyone, but probably the people closer to me.

So after a few hours of talking with my dad, basically he was teaching me how to partition my stress and the problems, to deal with things one by one and take it step by step. Now, I know that advise is great and I have actually given that same advise, but it is much harder said then done. I feel as though I do deal with things one by one, but I get frustrated with the daily things. I get irritated that people can't do things right or that I am the one that has to do everything. Why is it that I have to remember everything or remind people of things (I am not naming names). Why do I always have to be the responsible one or the one to figure it out. Yea I am stressed about a million things right now and they are all legitimate! But what gets me are the small things, the daily ones that are repetitive, so naturally I am short tempered, I am not sure who wouldn't be.

Recently a friend told me I put to much pressure on myself, he is right I do, but he doesn't realize that all that pressure comes from somewhere. It isn't because I am just putting pressure on myself, but rather that the pressure is there...it is there when I have people that need from me and ask of me. It is there because I can and will handle it. I have created a role for myself, I didn't realize it and I don't think people do, but as your go through life naturally you create roles for yourself, this is mine. I am the problem solver, the one people turn to and the one to do things right or adivse. I can't half ass anything, even when I don't care, therefor I put time and energy into all that I do. The problem is that when I have other things going on or going wrong I let it effect my attitude and I am impatient.

The question now is, how can I change? How can I learn to be more patient? There may be a few things bothering me right now, like finances or work but life will always have something. There will always be trials or something there to create stress or that you are worried about. My dad was telling me to partition and deal, to put these things out of my mind therefore leading me to be more relaxed. My argument was that life will always have something so how can I learn to change my impatience? What can I do to not react?

The more I thought about it the more I have no clue. Patience is a tough one, it is hard to learn and practice. I am just not sure how. I am self aware, which I think is the most important, but it the moment when you want to react the hardest thing to do is change your attitude. It is so hard to stop, think and then change.

A long time ago I listened to Steven Covey's Seven Habits, I think it maybe time to refresh myself. He teaches you how to be a more effective individual and patience is part of that. Anyway, I suppose now that I am realize it I can change it. I know I can stop myself from a reaction but the question is can I also change my attitude and not be grumpy after I don't react?

Time will tell, I do know that I don't want to be that person and deep down I am not. I want people to know me in a positive light not as impatient.

It is so interesting to me that I am almost 30 years old and there is still so much I can do to change and better myself...one would think differently as they get older.

Our Virgo

Some would say that mornings are not my thing, that I am not the most talkative in the mornings or that I need a bit of time before I get my day started. Others would say that I am a night owl...not so much a morning gal. I have to agree to an extent ;), but today I was up, wide-eyed, excited and ready. Today I got the call that my niece was on her way!

The phone rang at 6am and were were ready to go! I knew I was excited, but once I got the call I was pumped! By 2:05pm my beautiful niece was born, our little Virgo. She is healthy, happy and beautiful. Both my brother and sister-in law are doing great and they did a great job.

I realized once I held her, that life will never be the same, that I will never be able to imagine a world without her and that I will want to be part of this child's life more than I have any other. I have only one sibling, so his kids will be dear to me, just as he is. I can't wait to get to know her more, watch her grow up and see my brother be a wonderful father.

I always looked forward to see the day that my brother would become a father, and now it's here! We are so happy to have you in our lives little one!

A slower pace

Things have slowed down a bit in my life, which never happens, but I am going with it. Usually I would get annoyed, but I have learn through my dad that these times are needed for the mind and body. I still have plenty to do, just not endless hours worth.

As far as my work, I am kinda at a stand still until my dad comes homes and we decide our next move. I have completed all other loose ends and it feels good to be caught up. My dad returns this Thursday, which I am so excited about. It feels like he has been gone for far to long and I just ready from him to be back. I miss my running partner and our midday glass of wine together. I am also so anxious to hear all the news about his meetings and everything that has gone on while he was way.

Since I have had a bit more time the past few weeks, I have just caught up on other things and I have also devoted more time to Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I try to help out at least once a week, today I have a few hours of training and meeting with other volunteers. I am excited for the next few months as what we are working on right now will start taking shape. Right now we are doing most of the prep work for a program, so mainly office tasks and sending out letters. Once the program kicks off I will be working with kids and telling my personal mission with Leukemia. I can't wait for this!

On a side note, the other night my mom and I went to see an Iranian play and afterwards they were passing out flyer's about a man with Leukemia. He is from Iran, recently married and just turned 30. With the grace of God he somehow found a matching Donner for a bone marrow transplant, the only obstacle is that he has no health insurance. So his family and friends are helping raise money for the surgery. Emory Hospital has agreed to start some treatments but they still need about $200k. As I read the flyer, I could help but tear up and when I got home I decided to try and help. So today was my first day just gathering info, I would like to go meet the patent and family and make sure that it's OK for me to help and we will go from there.

You know, sometimes I wish I could do so much more. I wish money was no obstacle in life and I would devote my time to people that need it. I would love to inspire people in times of need, to be a rock and shoulder for someone to cry and to cheer someone on when they think they can't go on. But, since money is an obstacle, I hope to work my ass off now in order to do these things comfortably in the future!

Signs that I am getting older: Went home early on a Friday night so I can wake up early and go to yoga. Yup, I am definitely getting old!

I miss my dad....wish he could come home for a day so I could see him and then go back!

Catching up

Yet again I have fallen behind with writing. In the end there is really no excuse other than the fact that I haven't put the time aside. I thought I would have time in Canada to write more, but we just seemed to be so busy. Anyway the rest of my trip was great, we got to see Montreal and I really loved it there.

I was sad to part with my family, as I always am, but at the same time I was ready to be home. Nothing to do with my family, of course, it was weird I just missed being home. I missed my routine and being here. I thought this was interesting because I traveled all over and never felt that way. Maybe I just knew then that my trip was long then and I was mentally prepared to be gone for a few months.

When I got home I unpacked and was settled back in before I went to bed! Since I have been back things have been quite busy. I spent the first few days playing catch up and working like crazy. That isn't any surprise, hours go by sometimes and I realize I haven't let my computer.

Now things seems to have slowed down a bit as I am waiting on others for a few things. The big news will come once my dad returns from his trip. All things will come done to a single decision and that terrifies me. 7 months of hard work and I am waiting to hear "we got the contract"! What if...what if...I try not to even let that enter my mind.

In the long run a few months to a year isn't anything and I know that, but still you can't help but worry. Anyhow, I can't think about what I can't control and as long as I believe that, this is what I am going to do.

Other than that life is good, my mom and I spent the weekend with family, which I love doing. It's been nice to see my bro and sister more and I think baby Barghi will bring us all the more closer. And if I haven't said it a million times, I can't wait to meet my little niece. I never knew I could love something so much without even meeting her. I don't know if it's because my brother is so very special and dear to me or if it's because she will be my first niece. Either way I am ecstatic! There were times in our lives where we never thought these days would come, so I know that adds to the emotion of it all.

My dad extended his trip until mid September, I am happy that he is getting things done, but can't wait for him to be back. I miss him and when I hear his voice, I want to reach through the phone and hug him. It's crazy how much peace he gives me, I could be at the max with stress, but the minute I hear my dad say "everything is going to be fine" I feel as though it will be. I hope one day I can be half the person he is.