The Trials of Love

About a week ago my cousin called me with sad news that her and her boyfriend broke-up. It was hard to hear only cause we all had high hopes and were excited about what the future held. We skyped for hours, cried, laughed and talked. I kept telling her life isn't worth being so sad and things could be worse, but the fact is when it comes to matters of the heart there is nothing that can make one feel better.

I have always said that there is no worse feeling than a broken heart. It truly is the worse pain. When you lose someone to death you have to except what has happened and move forward but when you lose love you know that the other person is still there. I wrote once that it's funny the one person you want comfort from is the one that broke your heart.

There is so much to say yet I can't seem to get the right words to express everything. As I listened to my cousin cry I couldn't help but be reminded of a time when I felt that pain. That want of something to be different or to go back in time, the pain of feeling like you weren't enough and wondering why. I promised myself to avoid that at all costs in the future after my last relationship, and well its almost been three years and for the most part I have avoided it.

You get to a point where you feel like, how much more do I have to deal with? Why again? Last year I cried to my mom after another bump in the road and told her, " it's not like I'm looking, I was fine. I was living my life and I was happy. Why then did this person have to come into my life and hurt me again. How much more disappointment can I handle." It had nothing to do with the guy but everything to do with another disappointment and hurt.

But is it realistic for me to avoid this? The thing is that I am terrified to get in another relationship because I don't want to go through the heartache. But maybe my fear is what is hurting me now. I don't want to get hurt and the minute I feel the pain of caring I want to run away. When will I know that I won't get hurt? It's so funny because as parents they are required to tell you that someday you will meet the right guy and if a relationship didn't work out it's because there is someone else out there for you. I don't believe that, I don't know if it's lost hope or being realistic but I don't think there is just one person and that it's a matter of finding them.

I know exactly how my cousin feels right now. She hurts and wants to be wanted, every girl wants to be wanted. We want someone to fight for us, make us feel like we are worth it and that no matter what it takes they will try. It's hard to find someone that's willing to fight for you, someone that's willing to show you and prove that their feelings are true. Feeling it and showing it are worlds apart. So many people don't show their love...what a shame.

I hope my cousins finds an amazing person that is willing to do whatever it takes....why is it so hard for such an amazing girl to meet an amazing guy?

Coffee I'll never forget!

When I was in Sydney my aunts friend came over and read my future with turkish coffee. I had never done this or really heard of it but apparently it's the thing to do. I was very excited only because my cousins fortunes were all right and well I wanted to know what the heck is gonna happen. Funny we are all so obsessed wanting to know what's going to happen and we forget what is happening.

Anyway my aunt's friend kept telling me not to get disappointed if nothing shows up because some times that is the case. I patiently waited and once she flipped over my cup she said nothing. All I kept thinking was "great, everyone got theirs read and mine's a bust". After a few minutes she said, "I am speechless, I have never seen something so good". My eyes just kept getting wider and wider and finally I was asking to know what is so good. In summary she basically told me that whatever it is that I have been praying for I will get. I will not say all the details, some things should be just for me to know and see if they happen but all was great that she said. I got details on most things, love, work, and life.

It was funny because after that I was at ease and I felt like everything is going to be okay. How interesting is that? A cup of coffee was easing my worries. But it was, I now wonder if I have been making some of those things come true or trying to come true? Or if they are happening on their own?

The Aftermath

I have decided after some debate to continue writing my blog. I guess I just got used to it and to be honest it's a great reflection for me on my life. My debate came because there will be lots of intimate or personal things that I will say but I figured what the hell. I take comfort in knowing that everyone thinks this blog is done so I doubt my friends and family will read any of it and in the next few weeks I may change the site to a different one.

Life has been interesting the last two months since I have been home. I have adjusted, of course, and in some ways I have gotten back to the same old routine. I guess that's what is bothering me a bit. What can you do but get in the same life you had, see your old friends, talk to the same people and go out to the same places. I by no means am saying that's bad, it's just what I didn't really want. I wonder if I have lost sight of moving because I am here. I find myself torn sometimes wanting to leave and go anywhere in the world...anywhere but here.

As much as I have gotten back to normal life, other things have become more clear. Work for example, I came home and began looking for jobs actively but it was about 2 weeks later that I felt I should be doing something else. I have decided, with the help of my dad, to start my own business. I just feel like there is something there, something big and if I don't try and take a leap of faith I will always wonder. So even though I am broke, I have deiced to tough it out and put all I can into something I believe but have no solid certainty.

I have good and bad days with this, sometimes I question if what I am doing is going to turn out good but I also think what is the worst thing that can happen, I am already broke and living at home! Which brings me to living at home! What a challenge this it being 29 and living on my own since I was 15. It has nothing to do with my parents, we get along great and they are my 2 greatest friends. It's just a difference of living, I do things one way and my mom another. Plus living alone is very different than living with 2 others, everyone has their own set ways and well it's been a struggle.

I just wish I had more certainty in knowing that what I am doing is right. Staying here in Atlanta, starting my own business, living at home and not getting any income...I am sure we all want certainty.

What I've Learned

I have delayed this post for so long and I think it’s because there is so much to say and I am not sure that I want to say some it. It is so hard to start explaining all that I have learned and how I have changed, but I will do my best.

There was one day my cousin Sara and I were driving in Ireland and I remember looking outside at the beautiful scenery and thinking to myself how happy and relaxed I am. I mentioned this to Sara and our discussion began.

I may not always feel stressed or think that I have things on my mind weighing me down, but I guess do. I can’t ever remember being completely relaxed in my life, don’t get me wrong I am sure I was when I was a kid but never from what I remember.

This is what I learned: I realized that at a very young and innocent age something traumatic happened to me and no one taught me how to deal with it, so I did what any 14 year old would do, I held everything in. It is no ones fault that this happened but it is the way things worked out. I was scared to show weakness, I wanted to be strong for my family and I had so many emotions and feelings to know what to do. Holding it in was the easiest and it was what I did. Sure over the course of the following years my emotions came out in other ways, but I never learned how to deal with stress. To this day or the day in the car I should say, I didn’t even realize this. I didn’t know what it meant to be carefree and relaxed.

I know that I hold things in...everyone around me knows. When Gloria has a problem no one hears from her for a few days or weeks until the problem is resolved or I just get over it. I just never realized why I do this or where I learned it. It took me being thousands of miles away, driving in a foreign country with no phone, no Internet and no connection to my life to realize why and to try to begin to change.

Now that is the tricky part, changing. We may all realize our bad qualities but few people try to challenge themselves to fix it. Most people say this is the way I am, I don’t believe that. I may be a certain way, but I believe people can better themselves at any given time in their life.

I don’t think I would have ever gotten to this conclusion if I didn’t take this trip, this is for many reasons. Before I state them, I don’t want anyone (my wonderful friends/family) to feel bad or think into this. I love helping people in anyway that I can and I mostly do so just by listening or giving advise, so I have created a role for myself. In my family I am the glue, I am the first to know all the good or bad news and the first to get everyone’s feelings. I am the one they vent to, the one they cry to, the one they laugh with or the one to try and help. I have the same role with many friends, don’t get me wrong I love it. I love the fact that I can help and it never bothers me, but it has never given me time to just relax. To give you an example, I arrived home on 1-25-11 and on 1-27-11 my neighbor wanted me to talk with her daughter and my father’s friend needs help or advise I should say. And because I care, sometimes I make their problems my own. So how would I ever realize in my daily life that I am never really stress free.

I think this was the first time in years that I had nothing on my mind, not a worry about life, who has what problem or what I need to do. This was the first time that all I had to do was have fun and enjoy my life. It was an amazing feeling!

When I was a kid my doctor would tell me to not take things so hard, he could see that I think way to much! On this trip I went to get acupuncture for my migraines and the guy told me over and over, “You need to relax and let go of your stress”. The funny thing is that 99% of the time I am happy! I never feel stressed and I kept telling the guy that I feel happy and fine. However, on this trip it was the first time that I experienced being truly carefree...now I get it, I feel it and see it.

The acupuncturist asked me “when is the last time you took in a deep breath of air and thought about the air flowing through your body?” My answer was I that I don’t even realize I am breathing; what a shame. I now stop at least 4 or 5 times a day, close my eyes and take in a deep breath of air. I think about it flowing through my body and nourishing me.

I know this was a long explanation but probably the greatest thing that I learned, not only about my life now, but about my past. I think the fact that I am talking about it shows a lot because normally this would never be something that I would put out in the open; it is a sensitive part of my life and a vulnerable part of me. If I didn’t write this then it would be defeating the point of all of this.

I learned that I don’t want more. Not to say I don’t strive to be more or work towards a goal, but I don’t want more things. As I mentioned in an earlier blog I want to simplify. The more we have the more headaches we have, the less we use what we have because we have to much and the more we lose ourselves. When you have to much you can’t focus on the important things in life especially the relationships around you. So I want less.

I have learned that I don’t have anything in common with so many people I hang out with. It has become a social event to go places, be seen, mingle and have conversations that I don’t even care about. There are few people that I really want to spend time with and that I really even connect with.

I learned that as much as I like being alone at times, I hate traveling alone. I always said before that I never minded living alone because it gives me time and I thought this would hold true with traveling. I was very wrong. I love sharing good times with people and having someone to talk with and sight see with. Being alone in a foreign place sucked.

I learned that I know so little. Once I left Georgia and began meeting people there was so much to learn from every person. People are so knowledgeable and willing to share that knowledge. I realized very quickly that I have a lot of room to learn.

My 1st's

Now I had to make a list of all the things I did on this trip for the 1st time. Obviously the countries I went to and things that I saw were all a first but these are things that I have never done before and could do anywhere. I was unsure of how many things there would be but I am surprised at how long the list is...I am sure there may be a few I forgot, but I really tried to think of everything.

So here it goes:

Milked a cow...a very big cow!

Touched a snake

Ate Sardines

Drove on the opposite side of the road

Took a bath in a natural spring outside

Had an Irish Coffee

Went Sailing

Stayed in a Hostel

Walked through a hedge maze..this took a while

Saw a double rainbow...this was amazing!

Ate Indian Food

Tried a Guinness and a baby Guinness

Feed a baby cow

Stayed on an Ivy League campus

Attended a German Fraternity formal...good times

Ate Vegemite

Ate a traditional German breakfast

Caught my first wave...super fun!

Had a Thai massage

Had acupuncture

Traveled alone...not what I expected but a learning experience.

I think I am pretty happy with this list...maybe I will think of a few more later and will add them on.

Home at last!

This post is long over due. Being back has been an experience in itself. I wasn’t sure how I would feel or what I would feel coming home, I just knew I was happy to see my family. Even as I was saying bye to my aunt and cousins in Sydney I still didn’t believe that my trip was over and I was heading home, I just felt that I was going to another destination. It was when I landed in LA that I knew I was in the good old USA! First off, I have to say; that of all the countries I have been to America is still one of the best when it comes to customer service. It was like I forgot how nice people are. The minute I landed people started saying hello again as I passed them and everyone was talking and for the most part they were happy. Even though I was back and sad that my trip was over, it put a smile on my face to be home.

My flight from Sydney was amazing, I love the man that checked me in…God bless him. He didn’t charge me for my extra weight in one of my bags and he gave me the entire middle row! I had 3 huge seats to myself and let me tell you being short came in handy! I was laying down and still had room to stretch! Of course I couldn’t sleep for whatever reason but I did travel 7645 miles very comfortably. Once I landed in Atlanta I began to remember everything. I walked through the airport that I have walked through hundreds of times but this time it was different, I am different.

I started getting excited to see my dad standing there waiting and I could feel his energy and excitement. Once I was reaching the top of the escalader I immediately spotted my dad and we were both smiling ear to ear. When we got home my mom, brother and Nina were all waiting and it was wonderful to see and hug them all.

It is so hard to explain the way I feel. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. Like I have been here before and know everything, but at the same time it is all so foreign. One of my greatest fears was that I would go on this trip and come back and feel like I never left. As I walked around my parent’s house later in the night I realized I can never feel this way, because I have truly changed.

For those of you who know me know that I love giving gifts and I couldn’t wait to give my mom all her things!!! I had so much and it had been so long, I dragged her in my room dumped out my suitcase and started picking through things. We talked and caught up and I gave her all her gifts. She loved them all and even though it was 2am I just had to do it then.

Since the day I arrived my time has been filled unpacking, talking to friends, spending time with family and really just trying to feel at home again. I still don’t feel like this is all real. I feel like I am still gone or in a daze. I don’t really feel like doing so much and going out so I have been at home a lot. I have actually decided to un-clutter my life a bit. Being away and only having one bag made me realize how much I don’t need, so I have spent lots of time getting rid of everything. I have piles of clothes, shoes, accessories, etc that I am giving away. I want to simplify and keep only what I need. The rest of my time I have been looking for work.

In some ways I want to travel again in the near future and in other ways I feel like maybe moving would be better. Either way I have decided to go with the flow. Whatever comes my way, if I get a job somewhere else then I will move but if I find something better here, then Atlanta is where I will stay.

I have compiled a list of things that I learned and my firsts from my trip and I will be posting that soon as well.

The End has Come

Today I leave Sydney for my last flight home. When I think about my trip I do feel like I have been gone for a while, yet at the same time it has flown by. I just can’t believe that I am going home. I can’t believe that my trip is over, all that planning and saving. I never thought about after my trip, about how I will feel or what I will do. I have actually mentioned it before that I just figured things would fall into place once I returned.

I am so excited to see my family and hug them all. I am excited to see friends and all the small things, but I have to say that if I had another month or two I would take it. I am finally relaxed, I don’t feel like I am in a rush, like I have a million things to do or need to always be somewhere. I feel very calm, very sure and I don’t know if that comes from a 5 month trip or from seeing and experiencing different things on this trip.

It will be interesting to get home and see how I feel. To see how I like it there and what I decide to do. Either way as much as I could vacation for another month I am excited for whatever the future holds, especially this next year ;)