I arrived, excited and hopeful....I leave wondering why...

Can I learn to be patient or did that trait pass over me??

Yes, it has been way to long since my last entry. What can I say other than the fact that I have let life take over, one of my worst fears. Of course, when I don't write for weeks, I feel as though I am playing catch up with what all I have to write.

In a nutshell, things have been busy, but what's new? I have been busy working, but I think I have actually spent more time over the past few weeks self reflecting and learning things about myself that I didn't know...well maybe I knew, but chose not to face.

I feel as though so many things have come up the last few weeks and not because I have wanted them to, but rather the issues arose and I decided to deal with them. Some are more intimate that I am still not sure I want to write about and others I can write, in order to hold myself accountable.

I have spent lots of time talking with my mom about certain things to do with marriage and relationships only to realize that the things I thought weren't a big deal actually are. I need to face some fears and I guess the more I talk about them the more I will become used to them. These things came up for reasons, but mainly because I am getting older (yes turning 30 next month) and well situations came up that we were able to talk. No details for I am not willing to share every single thing and probably never will.

Other self realizations....I snapped at my dad the other day and it wasn't the day to snap at him because he got pissed and showed me how bad my actions were. I didn't mean to snap or should I say talk with a bit of impatience, but I was tiered and just reacted. I went downstairs to ask him something afterwards and he let me have it with what he thought. I was definitely wrong and I apologized. However, it led us to the next few conversations of my stress and impatience.

As I have written about times before, one of the worst things I do is I let my stress build up until I'm about to pop. The problem is that 99% of the time I don't realize my stress is building until it is far to late. It's not like I am thinking about how stressed I am, but unconsciously I am and therefor it ruins my sleep, eating etc. Eventually I start seeing the results and realized how much I am bothered. In the processes I def get short tempered and impatient, which is not fair the the people around me.

I have always been a rational and logical person so for me to react quickly it is a bit out of my character. Lately, I can't seem to hold anything in, rather I am reacting so quickly and then I realize my actions. Don't get me wrong, I am not doing this to everyone, but probably the people closer to me.

So after a few hours of talking with my dad, basically he was teaching me how to partition my stress and the problems, to deal with things one by one and take it step by step. Now, I know that advise is great and I have actually given that same advise, but it is much harder said then done. I feel as though I do deal with things one by one, but I get frustrated with the daily things. I get irritated that people can't do things right or that I am the one that has to do everything. Why is it that I have to remember everything or remind people of things (I am not naming names). Why do I always have to be the responsible one or the one to figure it out. Yea I am stressed about a million things right now and they are all legitimate! But what gets me are the small things, the daily ones that are repetitive, so naturally I am short tempered, I am not sure who wouldn't be.

Recently a friend told me I put to much pressure on myself, he is right I do, but he doesn't realize that all that pressure comes from somewhere. It isn't because I am just putting pressure on myself, but rather that the pressure is there...it is there when I have people that need from me and ask of me. It is there because I can and will handle it. I have created a role for myself, I didn't realize it and I don't think people do, but as your go through life naturally you create roles for yourself, this is mine. I am the problem solver, the one people turn to and the one to do things right or adivse. I can't half ass anything, even when I don't care, therefor I put time and energy into all that I do. The problem is that when I have other things going on or going wrong I let it effect my attitude and I am impatient.

The question now is, how can I change? How can I learn to be more patient? There may be a few things bothering me right now, like finances or work but life will always have something. There will always be trials or something there to create stress or that you are worried about. My dad was telling me to partition and deal, to put these things out of my mind therefore leading me to be more relaxed. My argument was that life will always have something so how can I learn to change my impatience? What can I do to not react?

The more I thought about it the more I have no clue. Patience is a tough one, it is hard to learn and practice. I am just not sure how. I am self aware, which I think is the most important, but it the moment when you want to react the hardest thing to do is change your attitude. It is so hard to stop, think and then change.

A long time ago I listened to Steven Covey's Seven Habits, I think it maybe time to refresh myself. He teaches you how to be a more effective individual and patience is part of that. Anyway, I suppose now that I am realize it I can change it. I know I can stop myself from a reaction but the question is can I also change my attitude and not be grumpy after I don't react?

Time will tell, I do know that I don't want to be that person and deep down I am not. I want people to know me in a positive light not as impatient.

It is so interesting to me that I am almost 30 years old and there is still so much I can do to change and better myself...one would think differently as they get older.